I am constantly amazed when my friends tell me what their children will and will not do. Especially my dear friends who are still letting children over a year old sleep in the bed with them--most especially people who have more than one child in bed with them at night! My dear friends, this really must stop. Oh my goodness, I cannot even express how strongly I feel about this, but I am going to attempt to moderate my voice and tell you calmly and rationally why this is such a problem. Ahem.
“My child won’t let me…” or “My child refuses to…” –fill in
the blank. If you hear yourself saying any version of these phrases you need to
immediately stop and ask yourself two questions. 1-When did I turn over control
to my child? And 2-How do I get it back?
YOU are the parent, and your child should be living by your
rules, not the other way around. If your child “will not” go to bed by himself, it is because you allow yourself
to be manipulated into going to bed with him. If your child ”will not” drink milk unless it has
chocolate syrup in it, that is because you always give her chocolate syrup when
she refuses to drink her milk. Stop it. Stop letting your child make the rules.
You are the adult. You should be the one making the rules. You are the one who
allows or does not allow certain behavior, and if you turn that power over to
your children, you are doing them (and yourself) a very real disservice.
If you recognize yourself and your situation in what I have
said so far, but you are struggling with the answer to question number two (HOW?) here is my non-professional
advice: (for any child over 1year)
1-Don’t be lazy,
just do it. If that doesn’t seem very helpful, let me explain with two
examples. We’ll stick with the won’t go
to bed alone, and won’t drink milk
unless it’s chocolate examples, because I have heard both of these from
more than one parent, and because the solutions can be applied to pretty much
any situation.
If your child refuses to go to bed alone, it is because in the past you have taken the easy way out. It is easier to give your child what he wants than to force the issue of what you want. Face it, it is one of the terrible injustices of life that children have more energy than adults. Life is not fair, quit whining. You must steel yourself for a contest of wills, and you cannot let yours be weaker. My children know that “mommy hours” are 6AM to 8PM (adjust as necessary—you make the rules now). If your child is old enough to understand simple logic (say, 3 or 4+) you can explain this to them: I will not be a nice mommy after 8:00 at night; after 8:00 I get a turn to be a woman and a wife. (You could try giving your husband a big smooch if they are up after 8 to emphasize this point.) Unless they have a genuine need, such as real sickness—temperature, vomiting, etc. My tummy feels weird is not a real sickness. Give the child a bowl and tell them they can come get you if they throw up. (Now, if they force themselves to throw up to get your attention, get some professional help.) If you have a bedtime routine, go ahead and do it. My advice is do not have a bedtime routine that is longer than 15 minutes. When the routine is over, close the door and leave the area. When they get up for a drink, do not give them the drink—put them back in bed. Warn them that the next time they get up there will be a consequence, and when they get up, DO IT. (Consequences will be addressed in suggestion number 2) Warn of the next consequence, and then follow through. Now, by this point, there will probably be screaming, crying, mean words… you are not alone. Many mothers have stood in the hallway, holding their child’s door shut while a full scale tantrum is happening on the other side of the door. You are not a bad mother if this gets to you, if it makes you cry and feel exhausted and helpless. But please, don’t give in. You must stay in control. The number of days it will take to break your child’s patterns depends on how long you’ve let it go on up until this point, but now that you have decided to make a stand, if you give up now, you are increasing that number of days exponentially. Children are constantly testing our will power. If you give in, they win, and they get the message loud and clear: If I push long enough and hard enough, I will get what I want. My children know they will never get something from me by whining. Even if it is something I want to give them. Do not reward misbehavior. When your child gets up in the middle of the night and the cycle starts all over again, BE STRONG. Do not let him get in bed with you. Put him back in his own bed. Don’t be cuddly and nice. Midnight is not during nice-mommy hours.
Ok, on to the chocolate milk (or whatever dietary habit they have gotten into that is frustrating or unhealthy). If you want to ease into this one, start by decreasing the amount of chocolate you put in the milk. However, what it eventually boils down to is this: you have been giving them a choice between what you want and what they want—milk, or chocolate milk—and what you have to start doing now is give them a choice between two things you want. “Would you like milk or water? … I’m sorry, chocolate milk is not one of the choices. Would you like regular milk, or water?” Be firm. Do not give them what they want because they make a scene, because they cry and whine, because they refuse to eat or drink anything else until you give them what they want. They are pushing. Don’t let them win. (Like the throwing up to get attention, there is an exception—my friend has a child that will genuinely starve if not given the foods he has accepted as ok to eat. He would gladly go days without eating rather than eat something that is not on his ok list. This is a genuine medical issue that needs to be worked through with professional help.) Your child will not go completely hungry or thirsty if you take away the thing that is stopping them from eating or drinking what you think they should. My children know that when they come home from school and ask for a treat I will say “Yes! As soon as you eat a fruit or a vegetable.” They roll their eyes, and they eat their fruit or vegetable, and they try again tomorrow. If they whine, they don’t get the treat after they eat the fruit or vegetable. They know this now, and they rarely whine. Be strong! It will get easier. Unless you give in—then it gets harder. Don’t be lazy, just do it.
If your child refuses to go to bed alone, it is because in the past you have taken the easy way out. It is easier to give your child what he wants than to force the issue of what you want. Face it, it is one of the terrible injustices of life that children have more energy than adults. Life is not fair, quit whining. You must steel yourself for a contest of wills, and you cannot let yours be weaker. My children know that “mommy hours” are 6AM to 8PM (adjust as necessary—you make the rules now). If your child is old enough to understand simple logic (say, 3 or 4+) you can explain this to them: I will not be a nice mommy after 8:00 at night; after 8:00 I get a turn to be a woman and a wife. (You could try giving your husband a big smooch if they are up after 8 to emphasize this point.) Unless they have a genuine need, such as real sickness—temperature, vomiting, etc. My tummy feels weird is not a real sickness. Give the child a bowl and tell them they can come get you if they throw up. (Now, if they force themselves to throw up to get your attention, get some professional help.) If you have a bedtime routine, go ahead and do it. My advice is do not have a bedtime routine that is longer than 15 minutes. When the routine is over, close the door and leave the area. When they get up for a drink, do not give them the drink—put them back in bed. Warn them that the next time they get up there will be a consequence, and when they get up, DO IT. (Consequences will be addressed in suggestion number 2) Warn of the next consequence, and then follow through. Now, by this point, there will probably be screaming, crying, mean words… you are not alone. Many mothers have stood in the hallway, holding their child’s door shut while a full scale tantrum is happening on the other side of the door. You are not a bad mother if this gets to you, if it makes you cry and feel exhausted and helpless. But please, don’t give in. You must stay in control. The number of days it will take to break your child’s patterns depends on how long you’ve let it go on up until this point, but now that you have decided to make a stand, if you give up now, you are increasing that number of days exponentially. Children are constantly testing our will power. If you give in, they win, and they get the message loud and clear: If I push long enough and hard enough, I will get what I want. My children know they will never get something from me by whining. Even if it is something I want to give them. Do not reward misbehavior. When your child gets up in the middle of the night and the cycle starts all over again, BE STRONG. Do not let him get in bed with you. Put him back in his own bed. Don’t be cuddly and nice. Midnight is not during nice-mommy hours.
Ok, on to the chocolate milk (or whatever dietary habit they have gotten into that is frustrating or unhealthy). If you want to ease into this one, start by decreasing the amount of chocolate you put in the milk. However, what it eventually boils down to is this: you have been giving them a choice between what you want and what they want—milk, or chocolate milk—and what you have to start doing now is give them a choice between two things you want. “Would you like milk or water? … I’m sorry, chocolate milk is not one of the choices. Would you like regular milk, or water?” Be firm. Do not give them what they want because they make a scene, because they cry and whine, because they refuse to eat or drink anything else until you give them what they want. They are pushing. Don’t let them win. (Like the throwing up to get attention, there is an exception—my friend has a child that will genuinely starve if not given the foods he has accepted as ok to eat. He would gladly go days without eating rather than eat something that is not on his ok list. This is a genuine medical issue that needs to be worked through with professional help.) Your child will not go completely hungry or thirsty if you take away the thing that is stopping them from eating or drinking what you think they should. My children know that when they come home from school and ask for a treat I will say “Yes! As soon as you eat a fruit or a vegetable.” They roll their eyes, and they eat their fruit or vegetable, and they try again tomorrow. If they whine, they don’t get the treat after they eat the fruit or vegetable. They know this now, and they rarely whine. Be strong! It will get easier. Unless you give in—then it gets harder. Don’t be lazy, just do it.
2-Follow through.
This one is easy. If you say you are going to do something, you
have to do it! Do not hand out “threats” that you are unwilling to
administer. Your children need choices
and consequences. Do not say, “if you
are not in the car in 30 seconds, I will leave without you!” unless you really
are going to leave without them when they are not in the car in 30 seconds. (I
have been guilty of this one—I’m working on it.) “Sally, you have a choice: you
can share this toy with your brother, or I will take it away for the rest of
the day and neither of you will get to play with it.” When Sally doesn’t share,
you MUST take it away for the rest of the day. “Johnny, if you get out of bed
again I will take away the nightlight.” When Johnny gets up again and you
realize you really don’t want to take away the nightlight, you are stuck. You
said you’d take it away, and now you’d better do it. DO NOT BE A LIAR. You have
now created a consequence for Johnny AND for yourself, but you’d better follow through, or neither of you will
learn anything.
So, think ahead of time about what sort of consequences will make your child uncomfortable with the poor choice he made, but that will not make you miserable in the aftermath. If possible, make the consequence naturally fit the choice. Your child won’t share—you take away the toy. Your child runs in the street—he’s not allowed to play outside the rest of the day. You get the picture. Each child is different, so I can’t tell you what consequences are right for your child. The consequences that help your oldest child understand and correct her behavior may have no effect whatsoever on the next one. It’s a little bit of trial and error, but put some thought into it, and follow through.
One more thing about consequences. They must be as immediate as possible. When your child gets out of bed after you have told him to stay in bed, you cannot let him come and sit with you on the couch until you have the energy to put him back in bed. As soon as you see that little body coming down the hallway, you must get up and march him back to bed. This brings up the issue of the count-down to punishment. Personally, I feel that if you give the child to the count of three to stop bad behavior, you are just giving them a little extra time to put the exclamation mark on whatever they are doing. BUT, I can understand the argument that you are giving them time to obey before you swoop in with consequences. If this is what works for you, go for it, but please do not be a lazy counter. 1-2-3, consequence. Do not drag it out.
So, think ahead of time about what sort of consequences will make your child uncomfortable with the poor choice he made, but that will not make you miserable in the aftermath. If possible, make the consequence naturally fit the choice. Your child won’t share—you take away the toy. Your child runs in the street—he’s not allowed to play outside the rest of the day. You get the picture. Each child is different, so I can’t tell you what consequences are right for your child. The consequences that help your oldest child understand and correct her behavior may have no effect whatsoever on the next one. It’s a little bit of trial and error, but put some thought into it, and follow through.
One more thing about consequences. They must be as immediate as possible. When your child gets out of bed after you have told him to stay in bed, you cannot let him come and sit with you on the couch until you have the energy to put him back in bed. As soon as you see that little body coming down the hallway, you must get up and march him back to bed. This brings up the issue of the count-down to punishment. Personally, I feel that if you give the child to the count of three to stop bad behavior, you are just giving them a little extra time to put the exclamation mark on whatever they are doing. BUT, I can understand the argument that you are giving them time to obey before you swoop in with consequences. If this is what works for you, go for it, but please do not be a lazy counter. 1-2-3, consequence. Do not drag it out.
That’s it. You are the parent. You make the rules. Enforce
them. Don’t be lazy, don’t give in, and make sure you follow through with
consequences for misbehavior. You have to stop rewarding misbehavior. Your
child has come into your world, and it is your responsibility to teach them how
to live in that world. You are only crippling your child by molding your home
into whatever world the child wants it to be, and you are making yourself
miserable in the process.
After all that tough love, please know that I understand it
is easier said than done. Understand that you are not alone, and that parenting
is really hard. I get it, and I am far from perfect myself. But, I know that if
you can be firm and follow through, you and your children will both be happier
in the long run. Good luck, momma. You can do this!
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